I don’t like dating sims. So today I’m looking at Date Everything from Developer Sassy Chap Games and publisher Team17. It’s a dating sim where you… Date Everything.

“Date Everything! is a sandbox dating simulator set in the comfort of your own home, featuring 100 fully voice acted datable characters! Let the romance flow between your bed, smoke alarm and… Overwhelming Sense of Existential Dread? Are you ready to Date Everything?”

Do you know why I don’t like dating sims? I don’t see the point from my own personal perspective. I’m in a relationship with a lovely lass, we have two kids. Dating, both real and digital, is something that is not even on my radar. Still, I do know that the dating sim sub-genre has its fans. So I’m reviewing this game for all of those people out there who do like the dating sim sub-genre. I guess there is a perfectly acceptable question that can be asked here. If I don’t like dating sims, why did I put in a request to review a dating sim? The truth is, I thought the concept sounded pretty unique.

You see, in Date Everything you can date any and everything. The basic gist of the plot is that you have just been fired from your job and you are given a pair of experimental glasses. These glasses allow you to see and talk to the character’s of the various items in your house. As you don’t have a job anymore, so you spend your days stuck at home and striking up relationships with anything you want. Fancy getting it on with your TV? You can. Want to try to schmoose your toaster? Go for it. Even wanted to have sex with your vacuum cleaner? Do it.

Date Everything features 100 different characters and each of those characters has (at least) three possible endings to find. That’s a lot of endings to discover. Each character is fully voice acted too, so this game is crammed with dialogue, especially as there are branching stories to experience.

In terms of the gameplay, this is just a dating sim. You talk to characters, have different responses to give and what you say will affect your relationship with that character. There are three possible relationship avenues to end up in. Hate, friendship and love. The general idea is to have as many household items love you as possible. All the while, there is an ongoing story that plays out, that I’m not going to spoil here.

The variety of items and character is really quite impressive, and their personalities are often as funny as they are bizarre. For instance, your shower is an Elvis Presley wannabe striving to become a famous singer via a reality TV show.  Your smoke alarm is slightly neurotic and overly worried about fires. You can even date your coat hangers and they’re… well, they’re very ’90s. Nothing makes any logical sense and yet, it all seems perfectly normal within the context of the game. You can even date the walls of your house and all he ever says, well screams, is “WALLS!!!”. It’s Wednesday, so why not try to get your toilet to fall in love with you?

You are free to explore your house in a sandbox-style gameplay. It’s not a particularly big house, but the more you play, the more you will uncover. The writing can be very funny at times. It can also get very adult. You can date sex toys and well… yeah, that gets as adult as you can imagine. This is definitely not a game to play with your kids. But, is it a good game? For me, no. As I said, I don’t like the dating sim genre anyway. However, I can appreciate a well crafted game, even if I am not a fan. Yeah, Date Everything is beautifully crafted. I can really see someone who does enjoy the dating sim genre getting a lot of fun out of this one.

The characters are memorable (even though I’ve not found even half of them), the writing is funny and it even gets a little deep at times, the voice acting is wonderful and the whole scenario is utterly ludicrous. Date Everything is definitely not my type of game at all, but I can see how a fan of the genre will get a ton of playtime out of this one. 100 characters to find and schmooze, multiple endings for those characters, there’s an absolute ton to unlock and see here. If you’re a dating sim fan, Date Everything is a game that you’ll definitely want to get your hands on.