I think I have time to squeeze in a quick Halloween rant. I have done this kind of article before, one where I look at a “top list” published by a “reputable” site that, to me, makes that site and journalist look utterly clueless and lazy. Previously, I did look at the incompetence displayed by Rolling Stone magazine regarding their (lack of) knowledge of videogames. This time, I have a Halloween themed list to explore.

With my previous Rolling Stone article rant, they are predominantly a music-based publication. Their “The 50 Greatest Video Games Of All Time” list seemed a bit out of character for them. Now, I’m not saying that a publication can’t cover subjects and themes outside of their normal grasp, a publication can cover whatever they like, as long as they have a writer that knows about the subject that they are covering. The Rolling Stone article was clearly put together by someone who knew very little about videogames. This Halloween rant is a little different.

Today, I’m taking a look a Billboard’s “25 Biggest Halloween Songs“. Billboard are a music publication and they have been around since 1894. Yes, 1894, they have been going for 130 years, so they know music. They did create the music charts used in the U.S. However, this list makes pretty much zero sense. Let me just get this bit out of the way first. 25 Halloween songs, not 25 biggest Halloween songs, as is the list. Just 25 Halloween songs. I don’t know about you, but off the top of my head, I can think up around 3 or 4 Halloween songs. Maybe with a bit more thought, I could get to 6… with some stipulations. I doubt I could get a 10 count. But 25? Now, let’s throw in the “Biggest Halloween Songs”, as the list dictates. This means there were other Halloween songs that didn’t make the list of 25, so there are more than 25 Halloween songs, according to Billboard. I seriously have no idea where they are getting their Halloween songs from. Are there more than 25?

I’m not going to take a look at all of the 25 Biggest Halloween Songs, according to the Billboard list… because pretty much all of them have nothing to do with Halloween. But I do want to concentrate on the top 10. So…

10: Devil Inside – INXS. 9: Devil With a Blue Dress On/Good Golly Miss Molly – Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels. 8: Black Cat – Janet Jackson. 7: Dark Lady – Cher. 6: Somebody’s Watching Me – Rockwell. 5: On Our Own – Bobby Brown. 4: The Monster – Eminem feat. Rihanna. 3: Frankenstein – The Edgar Winter Group. 2: Ghostbusters – Ray Parker Jr. 1: Monster Mash – Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers.

Well, that’s Billboard’s top 10 Biggest Halloween Songs. I can see a total of 1 genuine Halloween song, and 9 songs that have very tenuous links to something that could, kind of, very loosely be associated with Halloween… maybe. The 1 genuine Halloween song is Monster Mash, and it’s brilliant. I don’t know about it being at number 1, but it is a great track and yes, very Halloween related. The song was written as a parody of classic Universal monster movies, complete with a pretty great Boris Karloff lampooning, and plenty of jokes and references to horror films of the 1930s and 40s. The name of the band, Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers, is another jokey reference to horror films and such. This qualifies as a Halloween song as it is pure Halloween. That goes in the goal and hits the back of the net with no fuss.

While Monster Mash is a definite Halloween song, I will quite happily argue that none of the others are. Oh yeah, I see Ray Parker Jr.’s Ghostbusters at number 2 and I don’t care, it’s not a Halloween song. It’s a great song from a great flick but let’s be honest, when Halloween rolls around… you’re not eager to Watch Ghostbusters, are you? Of course, you can watch it, it does have a lot of ghosts in it, and they get busted… but it’s still not Halloween. Ghostbusters is a good all-rounder film that you can happily watch anytime of the year. It’s not Halloween, it’s just a film that has ghosts in it. As for the song, it’s great, very catchy and all, but it doesn’t feel Halloweeney. People just play it at Halloween because the film it is from has ghosts in it. But, you know what? I’ll let Ghostbusters in, off the post, just because it does get played a lot around Halloween. Still, I will maintain that calling Ghostbusters a Halloween song is like calling Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9 a Christmas song because it featured in Die Hard.

Next on my list is Rockwell’s Somebody’s Watching Me. Nope, not a Halloween song. Now, the music video is creepy and does feature some horror imagery, but we’re talking about the song. The song itself has nothing to do with Halloween and the closest it ever gets to anything slightly connected to Halloween is when some of the lyrics mention The Twilight Zone and Psycho. The song itself is a about a man suffering from paranoia and believes that everyone is watching him. His mailman, his neighbours, the IRS, etc. It about a man who feels that he has no privacy and is constantly being watched. Not Halloween. Side note, Michael and Jermaine Jackson did the backing vocals. Speaking of the Jackson family…

Black Cat by Janet Jackson is not a Halloween song. It was written, by Janet, as a way to experiment with a more guitar-led, rock-like sound. Oh, and the song is actually about the dangers of drug abuse… not Halloween. It’s on this list because black cats are associated with witches, and witches are often depicted at Halloween, that’s it. This goes back to what I previously said about “songs that have very tenuous links to something that could, kind of, very loosely be associated with Halloween… maybe”. The song is called Black Cat, black cats, witches = Halloween. The missteps in logic here are astounding. Let me try. Black Cat, panther, leopard variant, leopards have spots, spots, acne. So the song is a about popular musicals because acne is caused by a build up of oil and grease…and Grease is a popular musical. Same logic that Billboard used. Black Cat is not a Halloween song.

How about The Edgar Winter Group’s Frankenstein? Classic horror book, many, many adaptions. One of the most famous movie and literature monsters ever (both the Doctor and the monster). So the song Frankenstein must be about that… right? Nope. It’s an instrumental that was stitched together from multiple, and many, recording sessions and several different tunes. That’s what it is called Frankenstein, because the song was “stitched together”. It’s a allusion to the Frankenstein monster, named only due to the unusual way that the song came about. The song itself as zero connections to Halloween or Frankenstein (Doctor or monster). It’s not a Halloween song.

Do I need to continue with this top 10? On Our Own by Bobby Brown, just because it’s in Ghostbusters II. The song itself has nothing to do with Halloween, it just featured in a film sequel to a movie that people might (usually not) watch at Halloween. I let Ray Parker Jr.’s Ghostbusters in, off the post just because people do tend to play it at Halloween, but On Our Own? No. When was the last time you felt like listening to some Halloween songs and thought *Oh, I must get Bobby Brown out*? Never, that has never happened because On Our Own is not a Halloween song and you (or anyone else) have never played it for Halloween, not intentionally anyway.

The rest of the top 10 is exactly as I said, “songs that have very tenuous links to something that could, kind of, very loosely be associated with Halloween… maybe”. Devil Inside – INXS, just because it has the word “Devil” in the title.  Devil With a Blue Dress On – Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels, same shit. Okay, before I continue. There are several songs on this list that have nothing to do with the Devil, other than the word being in the title. However, Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones… a song that not only has “Devil” in the title, but is sung from the POV of the Devil himself as he talks about numerous murderous atrocities and evils, is not on the list? Billboard logic!

Back to the nonsense list. Dark Lady – Cher, because it gets dark at Halloween? The Monster – Eminem feat. Rihanna, title again. None of these songs have any connection to Halloween, none of them.

I have covered the top 10, 1 of which is a genuine Halloween song, 1 is in, off the post, and the other 8 are nothing to do with Halloween. Still, have you noticed anything missing from Billboard’s top 10 Halloween songs, like a genuine Halloween song with Halloween-like lyrics and one of the greatest music videos ever made… directed by a horror master with make-up effects from an Oscar-winning make-up artist, who won that Oscar for a horror film? I have already mentioned the artist…

How the fuck is Thriller not in the top 10, but 8 songs that have nothing to do with Halloween are? The lyrics of Thriller are about being scared by monsters and such. The music video is a mini-horror film with zombies. It features horror icon Vincent Price… Vincent Price! Ask to anyone in the world to name a Halloween song, and Thriller will get mentioned, a lot. To some, this should be a top 3 Halloween song. To most of those, this is a top 1 Halloween song. Regardless of your personal feelings toward MJ, Thriller is the Halloween song. So, if it’s not in Billboard’s top 10, where is it? Oh, it’s on the list. Please do remember that I’ve only looked at the top 10 and the list is of 25. So, is Thriller close to the top 10, maybe at 11? Nope it’s in 22nd… out of 25.

At least it’s not last. The main issues isn’t that Thriller is in 22nd out of 25 Halloween songs. The main issue is that Thriller is 22nd behind 20-odd songs that have nothing to do with Halloween, in a Halloween songs list. It is behind multiple non-Halloween songs like Cliff Richard’s Devil Woman, not about the actual Devil. Justin Bieber’s Ghost, not about an actual ghost and Justin himself said the song is about not being about to connect with a loved one, closer to the Covid pandemic really. Or even Elvis’ (You’re the) Devil in Disguise. Again, not about the actual Devil, but a song about a cheating woman.

Elvis Presley: “You fooled me with your kisses.
You cheated and you schemed.
Heaven knows how you lied to me.
You’re not the way you seemed.”

Please do let me remind you that Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones, a song directly about the Devil and various horrors, is not on the list, but several songs not about the Devil are… just because the word “Devil” is int he title. How can Billboard, a publication that has been concentrating on music for 130 years, get a list of Halloween songs so wrong? Why does the list contain so many non-Halloween songs and so few actual Halloween songs? There’s not even a sniff of A Nightmare on My Street from DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince. A song that directly references one of the biggest horror franchises and horror icons of all time. You know, an actual Halloween song. Amityville (The House On The Hill) by Lovebug Starski? Nope. Well, in their defence, Billboard do explain in the article itself.

Billboard: “We decided to round up the 25 Biggest Halloween Songs based on their Hot 100 chart achievements. Billboard’s Biggest Halloween Songs ranking is based on weekly performance on the Hot 100, and includes Halloween-themed hits or songs with a seasonal word in its title.”

So these Halloween songs are not ranked by them being good, or even being Halloween songs. They’re ranked by their Hot 100 chart achievements. This does make a bit more sense… kind of. This is why Thriller is not in the top 3, or the top 10, it’s not even in the top 20. This is because Thriller only got to number 4 in the charts (I write “only number 4” as if that’s not good, it is). However, Justin Bieber’s Ghost got to number 5 and it ranked higher than Thriller. To refresh you on the rules stipulated in the article… “We decided to round up the 25 Biggest Halloween Songs based on their Hot 100 chart achievements”. How is getting to number 5 in the charts a bigger achievement than getting to number 4? Cliff Richard’s Devil Woman got to number 6, but still ranked higher than Thriller, a number 4? It doesn’t make sense given the rules.

Even so, even if we ignore the skewed rules, there is still the matter that hardly any of the songs on the whole list have anything to do with Halloween and that they are not Halloween songs. Billboard did address this in the rules to with “includes Halloween-themed hits or songs with a seasonal word in its title”. This explains why songs that have nothing to do with Halloween, but have “Devil” in the title are in there. Black Cat made the cut because, as I explained, back cats and witches =  Halloween. The song itself having nothing to do with Halloween (in a Halloween song list) is completely ignored. These songs got on the list just because there’s a “seasonal” word in the title. Wait, so how do you explain Rockwell’s Somebody’s Watching Me? What word in the title is Halloween seasonal? Come to think of it, how the fuck is On Our Own by Bobby Brown in the top 10? Actually, that made the top 5… yet it doesn’t meet the rules that Billboard themselves put in place.

The criteria for the 25 Halloween songs in this list does not make sense. I might do a list of the 25 best Halloween films. I’ll put John Carpenter’s Halloween at 22, because it’s a film that is directly about Halloween, it takes place during Halloween, there’s a scary killer murdering teens. Then, all the other films on the list will be movies that just have a very vague connection to Halloween, like Date Night because night time can be during Halloween. Or House of Flying Daggers because when people go trick or treating, they go to houses and sometimes, daggers are used in horror films. Hey, my list and criteria makes just as much sense as Billboard’s with this list of Halloween songs.

Given Billboard’s rules, I think Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God) should be on the top 10 list of 25 Biggest Halloween Songs. Why? Well, it didn’t do too well on the Hot 100 when it was originally released in 1985, but it was re-released in 2022 (thanks to Stranger Things) and it re-entered the charts at number 8, before hitting number 3. Where does the Halloween connection come in? The way I see it, a horror film must’ve featured a hill at some point in the history of filmmaking. Wait, House on Haunted Hill (original or remake). Billboard logic! I might apply for a job with them.

Billboard have set the rules for this list, then completely ignored them to make a nonsensical list of the “25 Biggest Halloween Songs”. In fact, you can remove the word “Halloween” from the article’s title… and “Biggest”. The title of the article should read “25 Songs”, because that is what it is, a list of 25 songs. This is the utterly clueless and lazy journalism that I mentioned at the start. It’s a bullshit article made to lure people in, to get clicks to the site, to get that ad revenue, that’s all it is.