Escort Missions

One of the worst aspects of a game is the dreaded “escort mission”. Whether it be tainted with bad AI (and they usually are) or if they just slow down the pace and break up the narrative of the game. Escort missions are a lazy way to pad out a game and are utterly pointless and annoying overall.

Now, not all escort missions are bad, but some of the very worst offenders are:

Dead Island: All of the escort missions in this revolve around every single NPC that asks for your help to be escorted just running into the undead with no weapons and getting chomped on each and every time. If they intend to just run into zombies all the time…why did they ask for your help to begin with?
Let’s be honest, these people deserve a slow, zombie food death.

Perfect Dark: Having that little, annoying alien: Elvis following you around was bad enough on certain missions. But Rare managed to trump even this with the mission where you have to escort The President off Air Force One via an escape pod.
Does The President you are protecting stay out of sight until it’s clear, moving stealthy towards your goal? No, he runs into walls continually and will even stand right in front of you in direct line of fire while you are trying to take out the enemy.
I’m sure The President in this game has an even lower IQ than George W. Bush Jnr.

Resident Evil 5: This is only a problem in single player as the game forces you to have a badly programmed AI in the shape of Shiva making the entire game one big escort mission. Shiva can not fire a weapon properly with aim worse than bad guys from a Cannon produced 80’s action flick, she’ll also use up your items even if you do not want her to and she’ll run into walls and just get in your way 99% of the time.
The only way around this is to get someone to play Co-Op with you…but good luck finding anyone that wants to play Resident Evil 5 without being bribed.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: Now I love me some GTA, my favourite game in the franchise is Vice City and my favorite NPC is Lance Vance. Yet it is this game and this character that provides probably one of the worst escort missions in the franchise that is full of them. The one mission that is possibly the worst is the “Death Row” mission where you have to save Lance (after messing up…again) and rush him to hospital before he bleeds out. Seriously, just try it for yourself.
As Tommy Vercetti himself once said about Lance Vance: “He always keeps screwing things up.”. Yes Tommy, yes he does.

Red Dead Redemption: Another from Rockstar and the best none GTA, GTA game they have made. However there is one mission later in the game called “My Sister’s Keeper” where you have to get Miranda Fortuna away from the incoming Mexican revolution. OK no problem, just jump on my special speedy horse and we will race away and get her to safety in no time….but no! The game forces you to take Miranda’s wagon which is slow and handles worse than Reliant Robin with three flat tires. Then on top of that you have Miranda screaming in your ear to go faster…a lot, throw in some road blocks and enemies shooting at you and that’s still not all of it. Finally add a timer in too and you have not only an escort, but also a timed mission too.

Bioshock: What a beautifully crafted game. More than just a FPS. Bioshock was amazing to look at with it’s 1950’s style aesthetic in an underwater city. Plus a sublime plot with a great twist. This game is almost flawless…almost.
Near the end of the game there is a scene where you have to slowly guide a Little Sister through a winding corridor while being attacked by splicers, turrets and even flying turrets. All while the Little Sister just slowly and casually walks along soaking up bullets and dying…a lot. Forcing you to go back and summon another Little Sister who walks just as slowly and soaks up just as many bullets. Would you kindly stop making bad escort missions.

There are many, many, many other bad escort missions out there and I’m sure you have or will stumble on a few yourselves.