GamesMaster: A Retrospective – Series Six, Part Two

Well, after that ‘moment’ from the last episode with Dave Perry’s famed ‘I’ve been set up fairly badly’ claim. It’s time to crack on with the second half of series six. Many people have said that Dave left GamesMaster and never appeared again after the previous Christmas special, including in this Eurogamer article:

“The final shot of the episode is of Ewing and Diamond waving next to some mermaids while Perry stands off to one side, arms folded and legs crossed. He never appeared on GamesMaster again.”

But that’s not true as he’s still around… For a few episodes too.

Episode Ten

It’s the New Year, 1997 and Dominik Diamond takes great pleasure in introducing the first episode of the year. It’s a special too covering DD’s favourite subject. Nope, not football but females. Dominik himself is even making the effort and getting himself spruced up for a proper girlie gaming session as he has his makeup, nails and hair done, by his mermaid helpers, while wearing a dress.

DOMINIK GIRL

Platform Queen is the title of the first challenge and GamesMaster has a three-part challenge lined up for a young lass calling herself the ‘Platform Queen’. She has to collect thirty bananas on Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble! (SNES), then she has to nab thirty DNA pick-ups on Spider: The Video Game (PlayStation), then it’s the final part and the self-proclaimed Platform Queen has to collect twenty apples on Crash Bandicoot (PlayStation). There are a couple of stipulations, there’s a 4 minute time limit to complete all three parts, if she dies even once then the whole challenge is a fail. It is certainly a tricky one and to tackle this one is Sarah. But first, it’s the news. Rather spiffing GTI Club (Arcade) is given a quick preview. The live-action/animated basketball flick, Space Jam is mentioned, along with a little butchers at the multi-format tie-in game. Creatures (PC), an artificial life game where you create and look after your very own creature is also given a little bit of attention. Then it’s back to Sarah and the start of her Platform Queen challenge. Kicking off with Donkey Kong Country 3, Sarah has herself twenty-two bananas fairly quickly, but she messes up on a jump and drops down, losing very valuable time. At the 1 minute and 18 seconds point, Sarah has the thirty bananas she needed. Now, it was suggested that Sarah needed to finish the first part in 1 minute or less, so she’s a wee bit behind already. 

Straight on to the next part and on Spider: The Video Game, Sarah needs to pick up thirty DNS strands. With 2 minutes and 30 seconds on the clock, Sarah finishes the second part of this multi-part challenge. The final part and Sarah needs to collect twenty apples on Crash Bandicoot and she only has 1 minute and 30 seconds to do it too. After grabbing five apples, Sarah mistimes a jump and falls to her death. The challenge is over, it’s a fail. Oh well, let’s have some reviews instead and all of the reviewers are female, in this female special. Beat ’em up Tobal No. 1 (PlayStation) is awarded a 78%. Williams Arcade’s Greatest Hits (SNES), a collection of some of the classic Williams arcade games is given an 80%. Finally, 3D shooter, Amok (Saturn) gets an 83%. 

ZOE BALL

It’s probably about time for a celebrity challenge and GamesMaster selects Manx TT Super Bike (Arcade) as the game. Very nineties broadcasting bird, Zoë Ball is the celeb who has to try and place fifth place or higher in a two lap race. Zoë soon finds herself in the middle of the pack and keeps jostling between sixth and fifth place. Plenty of double entendres are thrown about as Zoë Ball straddles the bike controller. After hitting a few too many barriers, Zoë slips down to seventh place, before getting one place back to finish in sixth, failing the challenge. Not a great performance for female gamers as no golden joysticks are won. So, we finish up with a feature. It’s (another) look at the N64 and a few of its games, including Mario Kart 64, Star Fox 64, Yoshi’s Story, Yuke-Yuke!! Trouble Makers, GoldenEye 007 and International Superstar Soccer 64 are all previewed. 

Golden joysticks won – 0

Episode Eleven

After the previous female special, DD worries that viewers think he’s going soft. So this time, it’s a more ‘manly’ episode. The first challenge being called Short Sharp Shock is on Street Fighter Zero 2 (Arcade). Four challengers have to duke it out by fighting one round each, playing as Ken. Whoever takes the longest to KO the AI controlled opponent will be eliminated. The remaining players fight again until only one is left. Simple enough. The four taking this one on are Ian, John, Metro and Gary. Now, Metro is not the guy’s real name, but he refuses to tell anyone what it is. Anyway, it’s news time first and Sonic Blast (Saturn) is previewed. Then there’s a request from the British Film Institute for donations of old games for a library of classic video games. I wonder how many (now really expensive) retro games they were given? Star Trek: Borg (PC), an interactive movie is looked at too. Back to the Short Sharp Shock challenge and Ian goes first and he wins in 15 seconds. John next and he puts in a slow performance with a 31 second win. Metro wins his round in 23 seconds. Finally, Gary does it in 16 seconds, not the fastest, but he’s not the slowest either. After that very poor time of 31 seconds for his KO, John is out. On to the next round of fights and Ian goes first, he gets a 17 seconds KO. Next up is Metro, he wins his fight in 18 seconds. Then it is Gary last and he’s just too damn slow, DD cuts him off before he can even KO his opponent because he’s taking too long. With Gary out of the challenge, that leaves just Ian and Metro in the final. Ian, as the fastest of the two, goes first. It’s not a great performance and Ian gets a 43 second KO, far slower than any of his other fights. Metro can beat that time with ease… I think. He does too, with a time of 24 seconds to win the golden joystick.

STREET FIGHTER CHALLENGE

Destruction Derby 2 (PlayStation) is the title that GamesMaster has picked out for this celebrity challenge. Given 2 minutes to survive a mass smash ’em up against AI controlled cars. tackling this one is popular soap opera, Eastenders actor Deepak Verma. Deepak really goes for it and instead of trying to avoid being hit, he speeds into the mass crowd of other cars. He soon gets wise and begins to avoid the other cars and at the halfway point, his car is in good condition as the AI are too busy smashing each other up to notice that Deepak is staying well away from the carnage. Soon, there are only eight cars left of the starting twenty and with just 30 seconds left, there are not only four AI opponents left and Deepak’s car is still relatively unscathed. Deepak Verma wins the golden joystick really easily, to be honest. 

Time to finish up with a few reviews now and destructive platformer, Trash It (PlayStation) gets an okay-ish 75%. Gory horror-adventure game Phantasmagoria: A Puzzle of Flesh (PC) is awarded an 85%. Then the alpine racer, Cool Boarders (PlayStation) is given an 82%. And that wraps up this less feminine episode.

Golden joysticks won – 2 

Episode Twelve

The news kicks off this episode and Resident Evil 2 (PlayStation) is previewed. What’s interesting is that this is the very early build of the game known as Resident Evil 1.5 with Elza Walker as a playable character. But when the development of the game just wasn’t working, it was completely scrapped and the now, more well known version was started. Animal (PC) a game based on the Peperami Animal mascot is looked at. Then the Net Yaroze, a PlayStation you can program games on is also explored. Tiny Car Kid is the name of the first challenge and GamesMaster has chosen the impressive full-sized version of Ridge Racer (Arcade). I’ve always been impressed by this beast of a machine and the task is simple, just finish the two lap race in the top three. But there is a slight twist in that the challenger, Ryan, is only a 9-year-old kid and can’t quite reach the full-sized pedal controls, so he gets some assistance from one of the lovely mermaids. Getting started, Ryan begins slicing his way through the pack and finds himself in ninth place. There’s a bit of trading paint and by the end of the first lap, Ryan is in fifth place. A few bumps and Ryan soon finds himself dropping back and in seventh place. There’s a lot of tussling and Ryan just can’t make any decent progress, stuck in seventh place for a while, he does squeeze his way up to fifth, but it’s very nearly the last corner and he has to place in the top three. On the very last right hand bend, he slips into third place and crosses the line to win a golden joystick. Honestly, for a 9-year-old kid who can’t actually reach the controls in the full-sized Mazda MX5, he did bloody well.

RIDGE RACER

Let’s have some reviews. First up, futuristic sports title, Riot (PlayStation) gets a 79%. Destruction Derby 2 (PlayStation) is  given a smashing 85%. Finally, Peter Gabriel: Eve (PC) a rather bizarre CD-ROM adventure game from the famed musician is awarded a very mediocre 51%. Let’s have another celebrity challenge and Bear Van Beers (a TV presenter that no one remembers now… Or then) is the attractive lass for DD to drool over here. The game that GamesMaster has selected is Sonic 3D: Flickies’ Island (Mega Drive) and Bear has to save five Flickies and finish the level in 2 minutes. Joining Dominik in the commentary box is Dave Perry… See, I told you had hadn’t left the show yet. Bear gets off to a terrible start and really struggles to kill the enemies, which releases the titular Flickies that need to be saved. After wasting so much time, Bear finally gets to grips with the game and does get three Flickies… But runs out of time and fails very, very badly. This really is one of the worst GamesMaster performances ever, almost painful to watch.

DD wraps things up with a feature. The University of Geneva developed new software that could recreate movie stars who are no longer with us. They aim to create a fully CGI version of Marilyn Monroe. While very early tech, it’s a very interesting look at something this is now very much possible, but being explored back in 1997. ‘Realistic’ hair and clothing, along with facial expressions were rough, but a huge step in the right direction. The final results look ‘messy’, but still, it just goes to show how even back then that fully rendered CGI humans were being explored. Even if CGI Marilyn Monroe was a little bit scary…

CGI MARALYIN

Golden joysticks won – 1

Episode Thirteen

Dominik gets straight into the news and there’s coverage of a Japanese Virtua Fighter 3 (Arcade) contest where ‘Tetsujin’ (Ironmen), as they are called. This rather tough challenge has the Tetsujin battling against one hundred Virtua Fighter experts, in which they have to win at least ninety of the fights to win. Oh, and there are no breaks, no food, no drinks. Just one Tetsujin versus one-hundred other VF players. The winner of the then, most recent contest, Kyasao, was flown out from Japan to take part in a GamesMaster challenge. Simply called, Tetsujin, this challenge sees Kyasao go up against one hundred English Virtua Fighter 3 (Arcade) players. Now, as the show is only twenty-odd minutes long (minus ad breaks), obviously they couldn’t show a one hundred person VF fight. So, the challenge actually began at dawn of the day of the recording when Kyasao arrived. Dave Perry (still hasn’t left yet) has been overseeing the challenge since it began and highlights of this immense Tetsujin challenge are shown through the episode while Kyasao continues playing against the last remaining opponents as the show continues. The highlights show Kyasao completely destroy any and everyone that goes up against him… It’s not even close. As the show catches up with the action, Kyasao has beaten eighty-four challengers and still going strong. 

As the Tetsujin challenge continues, time for some reviews. Fox Hunt (PlayStation) an interactive movie thing… Gets interrupted to cut back to the Tetsujin challenge on the eighty-ninth fight as Kyasao seems to be struggling in a bout against a challenger called Omar. Perhaps it could put it down to tiredness, but Kyasao loses a round, the first round he has lost in almost ninety fights. The second round of the fight is close too, but Kyasao wins, just about. With one round apiece, if Omar wins, he has beaten the unbeatable Tetsujin. Of course, he doesn’t and Kyasao whoops his buttocks. Just a quick observation. The rules of the challenge are that Kyasao has to beat, at least, ninety of the one hundred fighters and this particular fight against Omar is said to be his eighty-ninth fight with no losses… But what does the winning streak say in the top left hand corner…

VIRTUA FIGHTER 3

Twenty-nine wins, shouldn’t that say eighty-eight wins if he was currently fighting his eighty-ninth consecutive challenger? Anyway, after the ad break, Kyasao had beaten everyone up to fight number ninety-three. The challenge was to only beat ninety of the one-hundred, so he’s already won. But can he beat all one-hundred? We see Kyasao beat his ninety-third challenger… But the thing in the corner says he only has twelve wins? Time for a celeb challenge, soap actress and ‘singer’ Tracy Shaw takes on Alpine Surfer (Arcade). All Tracy has to do is finish the snowboarding course without running out of time. At around halfway down the course, Tracy has missed a few gates, but she still has enough time to finish the challenge. Tracy makes it to the bottom of the course, a few bumps aside, with 10 seconds to spare and wins a golden joystick.

Back to the Tetsujin challenge and Kyasao has beaten his ninety-ninth opponent. A few highlights are shown and Kyasao has lost a few rounds (his winning streak makes even less sense, just four wins now?) in the fights as the celeb challenge was going on. Still, with ninety-nine wins, Kyasao has just one more fight to win. Oh, and his winning streak now says thirty-six wins. If you’ve been keeping up, the last time we saw the action, before the celeb challenge, Kyasao beat his ninety-third challenger and his winning streak said twelve wins (not ninety-three). Now, just seven fighters later, his streak says thirty-six wins? My maths is not the best, but twelve plus seven does not equal thirty-six. Seriously how does this winning streak make any sense? The rules were that he had to beat ninety out of one hundred challengers in one go, no breaks, no losses. He beat ninety, so went for a clean one hundred consecutive wins. So his winning streak should say ninety-nine wins during his hundredth consecutive fight after winning the previous ninety-nine… But it says thirty-six.

VIRTUA FIGHTER 3 FIGHT

Through this whole challenge, the winning streak has not been consistent at all. Shenanigans are most definitely afoot. Anyway, Kyasao wins his hundredth fight… Though I think we can assume, not entirely as ‘honestly’ as the show makes out and I’m willing to bet he lost several fights along the way, but the show was edited to make it look like he won all one hundred in a row. Regardless, Kyasao is awarded a special golden joystick for his Tetsujin challenge ‘victory’.

Golden joysticks won – 1
Special golden joysticks won – 1

Episode Fourteen

Dominik opens by saying he will marry one of his mermaid helpers by the end of the episode… Before remembering he did that gag last series when he ‘married’ Whigfield. But, the idea of marriage leads into the first challenge called, ‘Till Death Do Us Part. Die Hard Arcade (Arcade) is the game and GamesMaster sets the rules as being, the challengers have to finish the entire game, with only two continues, one each. Married couple, Tony and Madeline are the ones tackling this challenge and yes, Dave Perry is still around too as he joins the commentary with Dominik. The couple cracks on and they finish the first few areas with no issues. As the action heats up, it’s time for the news. Tekken 3 (Arcade) is given an exclusive look while still in development. Then it’s back to the Death Do Us Part challenge and the husband and wife team are doing well… Though Tony seems to be avoiding most of the actions and leaving Madeline to do most of the work. Just for some proof Dave Perry was still on the show at this point, smiling too.

DOM AND DAVE

A bit of a celebrity challenge next and GamesMaster picks out VR Home Run Derby (Arcade), a VR game where you have to hit home runs in a baseball derby… I guess the title already tells you that. Each of the contestants will play six pitches each, two from a rookie pitcher, two from a minor league pitcher and two from a major leaguer. Whoever hits the ball the furthest total distance wins. The celebs are cricket players, Adam Hollioake and Phil Tufnell. Adam goes first and takes his two rookie pitches, totalling 957 feet. Phil next and he hits 531 feet, he did really mess up the second pitch after this first was a rocket of a home run. Adam to take his next two and slightly harder pitches next. His first is a bit of a wet tap, but his second goes out of the stadium and hits an airplane, Adam’s total is now 1,622 feet. Phil has some catching up to do and he whacks a huge home run on his first pitch… But completely messes up his second to get a total of 1,070 feet. Phil Tufnell is way behind Adam Hollioake now as they take on the hardest pitchers for the last round. Adam first and he messes up both, only hitting 12 and 15 feet pitches, taking his grand total to 1,649 feet. Phil can win here if he hits two decent pitches. Phil misses the first and now has it all to do, his second is a home run… But is it enough to win? Nope, Adam Hollioake wins the challenge by a mere 46 feet and takes home a golden joystick.

Time to catch up with what’s been going on with the Death Do Us Part challenge as Dave Perry goes over the highlights. Madeline has lost a life and used one of the two continues…. Well, she is doing most of the work. Then back to where the couple are now, and they’re on level four of five and both have now used their one and only continue. So if either of them dies now, it’s all over. The action heats up as Tony and Madeline get closer to finishing the game… So time for some reviews. Skynet (PC), a FPS set in the Terminator universe is given an 83%. More FPS action as Star Wars: Dark Forces (PlayStation) gets an 85%. Then finally, more shooty action when Contra: Legacy of War (PlayStation) is awarded a 72%.

DIE HARD ARCADE

The reviews end just as Tony and Madeline face off against the final boss… Both with very little heath and no more continues. They do it, they take out the bad guys and save the president’s daughter… Only the game has a bit of a twist ending. Tony and Madeline have to fight each other, with the winner being picked as the personal bodyguard to the president’s daughter… In the game, not real-lie It’s a bit of a close fight, but Tony claims victory in the end by beating his own wife up and to win a golden joystick. 

And just for the record, this was the last GamesMaster episode that Dave Perry was in Eurogamer.

Golden joysticks won – 2

Episode Fifteen

Straight into the first challenge, which DD calls, Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em. GamesMaster chooses the one on one beat ’em up Sonic Championship (Arcade) as the game and two teams of three brothers will battle each other, each brother will be playing one round (win or lose) before passing over to the next in their team, whichever team wins three rounds first will be the winner. The teams are the McCormack and the Gordon and the brothers. But first, news. Scud Race (Arcade) is given a look at before its release. The vastly overlooked Tim Burton flick, Mars Attacks is recommended by Dominik. Then, the Sega Net Link, an add-on for their Saturn console that allowed the machine to access the internet is also looked at. Then it’s back to the Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em challenge and Louis McCormack and Daniel Gordon go first. It’s a pretty close fight, but Louis is the winner. Swapping over to Craig McCormack and Darryl Gordon next, this round goes to Craig. The McCormack brothers have two rounds in the bag and it is the first to three rounds too, so they could win with the next fight. The third round sees Dean McCormack and Kyle Gordon, which Kyle wins to keep his brothers in the fight. Then it’s back to Louis and Daniel for round four, and Daniel decimates his opponent. With both sets of brothers winning two rounds apiece and this being a first to win three rounds-type of a scenario, whoever wins the next round is the victor. For this fifth and final round, Craig and Darryl battle it out. Craig wins to take him and his brothers to golden joystick victory. The McCormack brothers get just the one golden joystick between all three. Seriously, the production budget couldn’t stretch to three spray-painted £3.99 joysticks then?

Anyway, reviews up next and Jet Moto (PlayStation) is given an 84%. Then, Twisted Metal 2 (PlayStation) gets an always funny 69%. Hypnotist, Paul McKenna is the celeb taking on the next challenge and GamesMaster has picked out the awesome Blast Corps (N64) as the game… Though GM calls it Blast Dozer. All Paul has to do is clear the buildings so the missile can reach its destination, simple enough. Paul gets off to a bit of a slow start, but is soon in the midst of the action, knocking down structures. There’s a ‘collision imminent’ warning as the missile gets closer and closer to hitting a building and exploding. Paul does manage to clear the path though… But he misses an all too important pylon. Quickly reversing to take it out, Paul McKenna goes a little too fast and slams into the missile himself, failing the challenge. Still, he kind of deserved to lose, what with him holding the N64 pad like this…

N64 PAD

As Dominik Diamond berates Paul McKenna for his very poor performance, Paul ‘hypnotises’ Dominik into praising him for his gameplaying and even into giving him the golden joystick… And £20 too. Paul McKenna ‘wins’ a golden joystick by losing. Just enough time to wrap up this episode with a feature. DD is at Universal Studios in Los Angeles to try out the new, $110 million Jurassic Park ride. Dominik gets to talk to the producer of the ride and a few behind the scenes secrets are revealed. Then, he gets to experience the ride for himself, as the ride splashes after its big, final drop, Dominick gets a bit of moisture on him. 

JURASSIC PARK RIDE

Golden joysticks won – 2 

Episode Sixteen

Hot 4-way Action is the title of the first challenge and using the previously mentioned Wireplay online gaming system is put to the test. GamesMaster picks the flight sim EF2000 (PC) for this one and a player in the GamesMaster studio has to go up against three other players from around the country in a little bit of dogfighting action. In the studio is Robert, and the other three are Jason, Ian and Martin. Whoever is the last man standing (or flying) after this dogfight wins. As always, news first and Turok: Dinosaur Hunter (N64) is previewed. The disaster flick, Dante’s Peak is also given a look ahead of its release. Then, racing game POD (PC) also given a quick peek at. Back to the Hot 4-way Action challenge and this online dogfight gets underway. After take-off, Robert goes on the attack instantly by hunting down Jason and taking him out with ease. Ian is next in Robert’s sights and he dies faster than Goose in Top Gun (too soon?). With only Martin left to stop Robert, can he stop the little Maverick from winning? No, no he can’t. Robert blows him out of the sky to win the golden joystick.

DOGFIGHT

Review round-up once more and Soul Edge (Playstation) is given an 88%. Then Melt (PC), a game inspired by Eddie the Head, the mascot of Iron Maiden is given a 55%. Now, as far as I can tell, this game was never actually released, it was just too terrible. But it was apparently reworked and released as Ed Hunter (PC) in 1999 instead… it was also utter shit. Anyway, British hip-hop group, The Brotherhood tackle Wave Race 64 (N64). The two members of the band, Spyce and  battle it out to score the most points over two rounds. Spyce goes first and he misses a few of the rings and jumps for a big score, ending with 1,790. Next up is Shylok, and he finishes with a far better 2,698, leading after the first round. Spyce takes on round two and needs some serious point to catch up… he messes up and runs out of time but gets a final score of 4,696. This should be an easy win for Shylok, no need to take any big risks, just get a half-decent score, but he really goes for it, pulling off stunt after stunt. DD can’t be bothered to work out the final scores, but he knows that Shylok has won by a huge margin of around 3,500 points.

Feature time and Dominik is in California visiting Digital Domain. A special effects studio famed for providing the effect work on some of the biggest films ever. But that’s not why DD is there, he wants to look at a new video game they are famed for, Barbie Fashion Designer (PC). Dominik takes great pleasure looking at how the game was made and its many different modes to ‘enjoy’. After which, DD then gets to play with some Barbie toys.

DOM AND BARBIE

Golden joysticks won – 2

Episode Seventeen

GamesMaster sets up the first challenge and it’s a three-parter on Pilotwings (N64). A team of three will each have a go at one of the many events in the game. Given just 3 minutes and 30 seconds total, the team have to finish their given events, collectively before the time runs out to win. Things With Wings is the title of this one and the trio attempting it are Millsy, Jezz and Chapps (nicknames), who are real-life pilots. But of course, it’s a bit of news first. Manx TT Super Bike (Saturn) is previewed before its release. There’s some exclusive footage of Unreal (PC) while it is still in development. Finally, Street Fighter EX (Arcade), the game that took the much-loved franchise into the realm of 3D graphics is also previewed. Back to the Things With Wings challenge and going first is Millsy and he’s tasked with ten rings in a gyrocopter and he clears the first five rings with 2 minutes and 27 seconds still on the clock. Managing to get the tenth ring in 1 minute and thirty-eight seconds, but he did nab a couple of time bonuses equalling 10 seconds. So that’s just 1 minute and twenty-eight seconds of their collective 3 minutes and 30 seconds used up. Next is Jezz and he has to score a bullseye on the human cannonball event, he needs to hit that bullseye in around 40 seconds or less, to give his teammate enough time to finish his event. Jezz hits the bullseye first time in just 14 seconds, leaving plenty of time to finish the third and final part. With 1 minute and 48 seconds on the clock, Chapps has to shoot down ten balloons in the gyrocopter. With five balloons down, Chapps has 1 minute to get the last five and he does it with just 15 seconds left. Millsy, Jezz and Chapps the real pilots get to share a golden joystick. Again, only one cheap and painted golden joystick between three people?

PILOT WIN

Time for a celeb challenge and GamesMaster picks Sega Touring Car Championship (Arcade). This four lap race sees Martin Rossiter and Steve Mason from rock band Gene go against each other. There’s quite a lot of rubbing against the barriers as both Martin and Steve seem to struggle to keep the cars on the track, at the back of the pack. Not that it matters who comes first against the AI as this is just a race between the two rockers. As they end the second lap, Martin is winning. When the fourth and final lap begins, Steve has taken the lead. Then, with just one comer left to go, Martin regains the lead and goes on to win. 

Feature time and Dominik is (once more) in Tokyo, Japan at Sega’s arcade division HQ. DD gets a look around the famed AM divisions and gets with chat to some of their arcade game development teams. It’s a bit of a wasted opportunity to get a look at some of Sega’s biggest arcade games, as Dominik just walks past all the machines without actually playing them. 

Golden joysticks won – 2 

Episode Eighteen

It’s the final episode and Dominik Diamond gets a (fake) letter of complaint about offensive content. So he introduces an offense-o-meter to keep track of how naughty the show is. Said offense-o-meter pops up through the whole show and measures just how offensive DD is being.

OFFENCE METER

In the meantime, for the final GamesMaster event, Time Crisis (Arcade) is chosen. The challenger is Tony and he claims to be one of the best arcade players in the country, a man who goes around various arcades just to get his name on the high-score table. Tony confesses that there is always one person on the high-scores he can never beat, someone who uses the initials XXX. So of course, Dominik has tracked down this mysterious XXX and invited him on the show to take on Tony. XXX is revealed as to being some guy called Philip. Anyway, this final event, titled Triple XXX Action (makes no sense shouldn’t it be ‘triple X’ and not ‘triple XXX’, as that is nine Xs) sees both Tony and Philip take it in turns to finish two stages on the hardest level on Time Crisis in the fastest time. A slice of news first though and the N64 is looked at (for the third time) ahead of its UK launch. All the same games are looked at (again) too. But, Doom 64 is seen for the first time at least. 

Back to the Triple XXX Action challenge and Tony goes first and he finishes the first stage in 00:54:35. Very impressive indeed. Stage two next and Tony gets a total time of 01:43:70. Philip has a lot of work to do, but he finishes the first stage in 00:53:02, just very slightly ahead of Tony. This is a very close challenge for sure. On to the second stage and Philip gets a total time of 01:41:13, just over 2 seconds faster. Philip (XXX) wins the golden joystick.

TIME CRISIS TIMES

A couple of reviews now and Mario Kart 64 (N64) given an 80%. Then Turok: Dinosaur Hunter (N64) is awarded a 90%. So Turok was 10% better than Mario Kart? I’m saying nothing. A quick offense-o-meter recap and the show is in the ‘rude’ area of offence. It’s the final celebrity challenge and perhaps, the biggest celeb ever on GamesMaster. The legendary weatherman Michael Fish. GamesMaster is chosen Prop Cycle (Arcade), a  game where the player has to peddle a real bike to fly in the air and pop balloons to get 2,000 points. Michael gets himself comfortable on the game and begins. getting off to a very wobbly start, he only has 50 points and misses plenty of balloons. At the halfway point, Michael only has 650 and with him needing 2,000 total, it’s not looking good. Despite popping a few time bonus balloons and even racking up a few more points, Michael Fish fails with a total score of 1,350.

MICHAEL FISH

To finish, there’s another feature and yes, Dominik gets to go on holiday again. DD is in Florida to take a look at the making of Riana Rouge (PC) a CD-based adventure game starring and produced by glamour porn model and ‘actress’ Gillian Bonner. Basically, it’s an excuse to see some digital softcore porn, no idea why Dominik wanted to be flown out to Florida to check it out. Anyway, DD gets to flirt with Gillian about her career as well as get to look through her minimal clothing collection used in the game. If your curious, Riana Rouge, when released, got amazing high scores from reviewers, like 19% high. A final look at the offense-o-meter reveals that GamesMaster as a show is ‘unacceptable’. As a result, GamesMaster is pulled off the air for good as DD makes a ‘heartfelt’ apology. This ends GamesMaster series six.

OFFENCE METER 2

Golden joysticks won – 1


Overall

Well, this was most definitely a step up from the previous, rather dull series five. Some of the challenges were actually really interesting and often quite exciting too. No trying to build a PC or find ‘interesting’ websites on the internet challenges. No getting comedians to make shit short films, etc. Just actual gaming challenges, and some really great ones too. Some very obviously edited ones to make the winner look better than they actually were (see the Tetsujin challenge from episode thirteen). But overall, this was a far better series than the previous one. It’s just a shame there was no budget for more golden joysticks after continually sending DD on holiday through the series.

Yeah, Dominic Diamond is still very much being a prick here, as he was previously and the show has very clearly now become The Dominik and Friends Show. Of course, series six had the most well known GamesMaster moment ever with the Dave Perry strop. For people of a certain age, this was such an epic moment of TV. Our parents may have seen the moon landing in 1969, but we got to see Dave ‘The Games Animal’ Perry spit his dummy out over a losing a game. At the time, we all thought it was hilarious. But now? The whole affair has a bit of a bitter backstory to it, something I aim at exploring when I’ve covered series seven. Speaking of which, this was originally supposed to be the end of the show, no seventh series was even thought of at the time. This was meant to be the end of GamesMaster… But that’s not what happened. See you in the next one…

Total golden joysticks won – 13
Special golden joysticks won – 1

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